


i bear it so they don't have to

by braveatheart



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 18:02:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10037426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/braveatheart/pseuds/braveatheart
Summary: I wrote this a LOOOONG time ago, but I'm still proud of it today. Thought AO3 might enjoy it too.Lexa and Clarke reunite after the disaster of Mount Weather. After Lexa abandoned Skaikru. After Lexa abandoned Clarke.





	

I turn away from Bellamy, my lips still tasting of his bruised and battered skin, my last words to him ringing in my ears. My legs feel like they’re made of lead, and every step takes more effort than the last.

Every ounce of my being knows that I need to turn around. I have nowhere else to go in this vast, radiation-ridden world except for the home we built here. Everything I know is there. My mother, the friends I’ve made, the family I’ve found. My only chance for survival is to stay there.

But I can’t.

I continue to walk the other way, praying that no one sees me leaving, because I know that I can’t stay. Every time I see them, all of their faces, I’m reminded of what I did to get them there. The weight of hundreds of lives that didn’t need to be wasted settles on me, and I can’t bear it, but I do. I bear it so that they don’t have to. So Bellamy can stop feeling like a merciless monster. So Raven can free herself of the burden that Finn’s death was. So Mom can forgive herself for turning Dad in. So Jasper can grieve for the loss of Maya. So Monty can continue to live without feeling like he did this to Jasper. I bear all of their pain so that they can live, even if it means that I can’t.

As I make my way into the edge of the woods, I walk an all too familiar trail that I know should get off of, yet I don’t stop. Instead, I let my legs take me where they choose to take me, and my mind wanders freely.

I can’t get her face out of my head.

I can’t stop picturing her emotionless expression as she told me that, essentially, she was saving her own people and leaving mine to die. I was under the impression that her people and my people had become our people, but clearly I was wrong. 

I can’t stop thinking about the fact that she had the nerve, after making a decision she could never take back and that I may never forgive her for, to say “may we meet again”, then leave with all of her people as if mine didn’t matter. As if I didn’t matter.

_ Pull it together, Clarke,  _ I think to myself, because this whole act of leaving Camp Jaha is for the purpose of the ones who live within it, not the one who abandoned them.

The remnants of TonDC lie before me, and I wonder why this is the place my legs have taken me to. My eyes scan the brokenness of it all, and I feel my stomach lurch as another thought creeps into my mind.

_ Because of her, and because she convinced you to leave here without warning them, they’re all dead and this place is destroyed. All because of her. _

I shake my head to rid myself of the thought as best as possible, and even such a minute motion causes me to feel dizzy. I stumble backwards and trip over a fallen support beam, and I let out a sound of surprise as I feel myself falling to the shattered ground.

My eyes fall shut and I let them stay there for a moment as I regain full consciousness. My head is spinning, I can’t breathe, and for a second, I wonder if it’s even worth it to open my eyes.

It doesn’t take long for the darkness behind my eyelids to make way to the images I’d been trying desperately to forget. 

I see them. All of them. Hundreds of innocent people that died on the very ground on which I lie. I hear their screams. I smell the fire that stole this place away to nothingness, and the very same fire that took their lives and turned them to smoke. I feel the heat of the flames, and the urgency to save them, to go back, to help them, but it’s too late.

Then, I see the others. The innocent inhabitants of Mount Weather, that were unlucky enough to be on Level 5 when Bellamy and I pulled that lever. I see the way the radiation seeped into their skin and killed them from the inside out. I see Jasper. I see him holding Maya in his arms, her body covered from head to toe in bloody red spots, her chest no longer rising and falling. I hear him crying and asking how we could do this. I hear him saying if we’d just given him one more minute, he would’ve killed Cage, and it would’ve all been over. I hear Bellamy saying it never would have stopped, and I see Jasper’s unforgiving eyes staring back at him. I see it all, and I wonder if we had to pull that lever. If I had to pull that lever.

And through all of this, somehow, she still creeps back into my mind. Somehow, I still hear her words, see her blank expression, and feel her walking away and leaving my people to die while hers left safely. She said it’s what I would’ve done, but I’m not so sure. 

“See, unlike you,” I say aloud, my voice hoarse and strained from the effort not to cry, yet cold and shaking with rage, “I feel something when I let people die.”

The snap of a twig shakes me from my trance, and I jump at the sudden noise. My eyes fly open, and I’m made aware of the fact that it’s nearing dark. The temperature is beginning to drop, and my skin is covered in goosebumps as my body shivers. 

Earlier it was only my legs that felt like lead; now, it is my entire body. I try to move, but I can’t. My eyelids threaten to close if I don’t force them open, and panic courses through me. Someone is here, and I can’t even find the strength to get up.

“I meant it when I said I was wrong about you, Clarke. But you have to believe that you’re wrong about me, too.”

I recognize her voice instantly, and though logically the rage inside me should’ve flared up, the fiery feeling fades to nothing more than embers and ash. I expect the fire to be replaced with something else, but there’s just...nothing.

My vision is blurred and out of focus as my head lolls to the side closest to the sound of her voice, and I catch sight of a figure. My mouth is forced open, and panic courses through me. It subsides when I feel water dripping down my throat, and its effect is instantaneous. My vision begins to focus, and it’s no longer as difficult to keep my eyes open. 

It takes a few seconds, but I finally see her fully.

She’s no longer wearing her shoulder guard, or her long red cape, or really any of her usual commander gear. Her dark war paint is all but gone, leaving her looking infinitely more vulnerable. I wonder how she can look vulnerable but have a heart so cold and void of emotion.

She’s towering over me, and I immediately sit up, backing away from her as I do so. It takes energy that I don’t have, but I stand. It’s a strange sensation to suddenly be the one looking down at her, rather than the other way around.

I don’t know what to say, because I can’t form coherent thoughts amidst the jumbled words and memories fogging my brain. 

She doesn’t move for a moment, but then slowly and carefully, she stands. We’re face to face now, but at a good distance. I’m not sure I can handle being in her space, so I let it stay that way.

“You left,” I blurt out. The words are simple and calm; there’s no malice, no anger, no tears...no feeling. Just like her.

“Don’t tell me you wouldn’t have done the same thing,” she counters, her voice urgent but collected. She stands with her hands at her side, and she doesn’t advance on me like she normally would have in a situation like this. She stays at a distance, and I’m thankful for that.

“I never left you,” I say, hardly a second after she finishes her sentence. I wait for her to say something, anything, but she’s silent. So I continue.

“I could have left you to die when we were in that cage. But I fought for your life because I thought I needed you.”

“I told you that you should’ve left me to die,” she replies, her back straightening and her eyes never leaving mine. I clench my jaw, and I can feel the anger seeping back in bit by bit.

“You told me that because feeling is weakness. And you know what? After we got out of there, after we let this place burn, even after you said that you let everyone die, but not me, after you kissed me, after everything, I don’t believe that you feel anything,” I spit out, the words like fire in my mouth. She seems slightly stunned, but stands her ground.

“Do you think that I wanted to leave all of your people to die? I had no choice. It was either that my people lived, or everyone died. Wouldn’t you have wanted at least someone to live?” she says, stepping forward. Her voice is rising a bit, but I don’t move or flinch.

“There is no such thing as no choice and you know that. There’s always a choice. And just because one is the easiest, that doesn’t mean it’s the right one,” I counter, stepping forward as well and straightening out. 

“Did they make it out safely?” she asks, her voice quieting down a little bit. Her entire demeanor seems to soften, but I don’t let up.

“Yeah, after hundreds of innocent people died to get them out, thanks to the fact that you didn’t fight for them,” I say, and suddenly the words are tumbling off of my lips like water. “My people were tied up in a dorm room and having their bone marrow drilled from their bodies against their will while they were conscious. They were killing them, one by one. I eradiated an entire level full of people, most of them innocent, to save less than fifty of my own. But if you would have just cared, if you would have stayed like I did, then that wouldn’t have happened. We could’ve easily, with your army, taken out the guilty and let the innocent live. But you LEFT!”

I’m on the verge of yelling now, and I know that I should stop, for all I’m doing is projecting my guilt onto her, but the words just keep coming and I can’t keep them from spilling out. 

“You left Lexa, and I NEVER did that! So no, you DIDN’T do what I would have done! You did the exact opposite of what I would’ve done, because I’m not a coward and I don’t hide from my feelings. I actually care about people, a concept that you don’t seem to grasp!”

Before I have time to regret my words, she’s already screaming back at me.

“I do care, Clarke! I care about my people! I - “

“I thought there was no my people, your people...I thought it became our people!” I interrupt, stepping closer to her yet. She doesn’t back down this time.

“I wouldn’t have saved all of them, and I knew that you would be able to save your people. I trusted that you had that strength, because I TRUST you. Now I’m asking you to trust me when I tell you that I do care!” she yells, taking steps closer to me. We’re only about a foot apart now, the literal definition of screaming in each others’ faces. 

“You may care about your people, but don’t tell me that you care about mine,” I say, feeling my voice starting to shake. I swallow hard, not wanting to let her think she was getting to me. “Don’t tell me that you care about me.”

Lexa doesn’t say anything immediately. Her lips fall shut, and I can’t read the expression on her face. As seconds pass, it seems like she’s getting smaller, like she’s sinking in on herself. I’m almost angry that it hurts me to see her like that, because after everything she did, I still want to believe that she deserves to feel that way.

“I left my people as soon as we returned to what’s left of our villages to come find you and try to make things right. I came here because I knew that because you feel so much, you would never be able to walk through those gates again, and this is the only place I could think of that you would go. When I saw you come in, I waited, because I needed to think of the right thing to say. When you fell, I could’ve let you lie there and dehydrate and starve, but I brought down the last of the water I was carrying with me to keep that from happening,” she says, and suddenly she isn’t so small anymore. It’s her turn to be angry again as she continues. “I tried not to care about anything for a long time, and I never made decisions based on how I felt. Not after Costia. She died because of me, and it destroyed me. So I never let myself care if someone died because of me, because I knew it would destroy me over and over again until there was nothing left to destroy. So Clarke, I’m trying to learn how to care again, especially for you, and if this isn’t enough, I don’t know what is.”

“I can’t stand here in this broken village and not think of the people that died because I didn’t speak up. On my way here, I couldn’t even think about the fact that I saved my people because I thought that it had cost you yours. I can’t look at you and not think about the fact that because I wouldn’t let my feelings take part in my decisions, you have to bear the death of someone you and many others loved on your own hands. But I bear all of this, as I’ve beared so many other pains, so that no one else has to, but even that doesn’t work,” she says. Her voice is shaking in a way I’ve never heard it shake before, and my heart is racing.

“I’m trying, Clarke. Okay? I’m trying to be the good guy.” 

For the first time since I met her, Lexa starts to cry.

Everything in my heart wants to be angry at her, and tell her she isn’t the one who deserves to be crying right now. She’s the one who walked away with her people safe and sound, leaving me and my people to fend for ourselves. 

Yet, in my mind, I know that she’s no different than me, really. She’s beared the weight of so many things in her young life and she’s tried to push away every feeling those things caused, and now she can’t handle it anymore. I’ve lost so much and done so much that I can’t forget, and I can’t handle it anymore, either.

So for once, I follow my brain and not my heart. I step forward and pull her into my arms for the first time. 

I can’t help but notice just how fragile her frame really is, how small she really is. Beneath all of her armor, she’s just as small and fractured as I am. She doesn’t wrap her arms around me right away. Instead, for a few seconds, she just stands there. I can feel her body shake, and I hear her sniffles and a shaky breath.

I think back to what Bellamy said to me before I left, and I decide it would fit here, too.

“You don’t have to do this alone,” I say quietly, my voice breaking as I do so. This is not the first time I’ve cried in front of her, but it would be the first time I’ve cried with her.

She must know that I’m on the verge of tears, for she closes the space between us and wraps her arms around me tightly, and my heart breaks into a million pieces as I hear a strangled sound escape her throat.

It’s the final straw as tears begin to pour down my cheeks, and I drop my head onto her shoulder. Before I can even think about what I’m doing, I bury my face in her neck, then tense immediately when I realize what I’ve done. She leans down and does the exact same thing to me, and hot tears stream down the back of my own neck as she buries herself in it and clutches onto me tighter.

We stay like this for a good three minutes, and she sobs like I’ve never imagined she ever could. Every so often, one of us will tighten our grip, or rub the other’s back gently. This affection still feels strange coming from Lexa, and it is strange for her not to flinch away from my affection to her.

Finally, after another couple of minutes, we both seem to calm down enough to at least properly breathe. The only sounds are sniffles and catching breaths as our grip slackens just enough to signal that the tears are subsiding. I straighten myself up, forcing myself to unbury my face from Lexa’s neck. I don’t remove my arms from around Lexa’s shoulders, and she doesn’t remove hers from around my waist. I notice that even after I bring my head up, she does not.

“Look at me,” I say quietly, my voice void of any anger that was felt before. 

She sniffles and shakes her head.

“I don’t want you to see me like this,” she says, and her voice is still strained and shaking. “This is ridiculous,” she continues, but it comes out as more of a sob. 

I reach up slowly to brush the hair back off of her face so she can at least breathe a bit easier, and her cheeks are completely soaked. I’ve seen many people at this point, but for some reason, it hurts more to see her this way.

“What are you afraid of?” I ask her, careful to keep my voice gentle and calming. She swallows hard and her grip tightens a little bit again. I don’t mind.

“I’ve never showed this much weakness to anyone, Clarke,” she says, and her voice is a bit steadier than it was before. 

I don’t know what to say to take away her fear, so I simply repeat my previous words.

“Look at me.”

She hesitates for a moment’s time, but then takes a deep breath and pulls her face from out of my neck, and meets my eyes. I know that I look a complete mess, but I don’t worry about it. 

Her eyes lack all of the coldness and anger that they once held, and instead, they seem full of fear, and they’re full to the brim with tears. Her cheeks are completely soaked, and her entire face is a deep red. Her bottom lip quivers with the effort to keep herself together. 

A few more tears make their way down her rosy cheeks, and I feel her arm twitch in an instant response to wipe them away. I reach back and stop her, and she relaxes. Instead, I reach up my hands and gently run them across her cheeks, causing even more tears to fall and her brow to furrow.

“Love is not weakness. Tears are not weakness. They’re feelings, and they mean that you’re alive,” I say, letting my hands fall to her shoulders. “Feeling means you’re doing more than just surviving. I think we deserve that. I think you deserve that.”

Lexa is silent, but she manages the tiniest of smiles and unhooks her arms from around me. 

She reaches up to my face, now, and locks her hands behind my neck carefully. Her thumbs reach around and cup my cheeks, and I try to keep the tears in my eyes from spilling over at such a simple action, but I can’t. I feel myself starting to cry again, and I look down. Suddenly, I feel lips pressing onto my forehead, and I take in a shuddering breath. A shaking hand rests under my chin.

“Look at me,” she says quietly, and I do.

“I think you deserve that, too, Clarke of the Sky People.”

In this moment, I don’t know much. I don’t know how long it will take to forgive Lexa completely, but I know that I want to. I don’t know how long it will take for both of us to be able to return home, but I know that we will. I don’t know how we’re going to build ourselves back up, but I know that we can. Though there’s still a lot that I don’t know, I know that both of us are one and the same; who we are and who we had to be to survive are two very different people. 

A cold gust of wind breaks us from our trance, and brings us to the reality of our current situation. It’s freezing, we have no food, and we have no water, and neither of us have slept for a long time.

“Let’s start a fire and get some sleep, okay?” I say quietly, and Lexa nods.

“Where do we go from here?” she asks, and I sigh, looking around at the shattered village that once was.

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly, turning back to meet her eyes. “We’ll find out.”

She nods again wordlessly, then slowly lets go of me and goes to fetch some firewood. I look around for the most useful tools for starting a fire and see if there can be any shelter made from the rubble.

As we’re both silently setting up some kind of resting place, there’s only one thought running through my mind.

If we’re both going to bear the pain of hundreds of people, at least we won’t have to do it alone. 


End file.
